I am not brave

Let's just get this out of the way. 

I am not brave. 

I am not courageous. 

I am definitely not a saint. 

Yet, people call me, and people like me, these things. 

This makes me really uncomfortable. 

Having CF, and having a transplant, do not make me brave. 

Are you brave when you get up, get dressed, have your breakfast, and go to work? When you do the dishes and get the mail and pay the bills? No. You're living your life and being responsible. 

When I did my treatments, took my enzymes, went to clinic, did IV meds...that was my life. When I take my meds in the morning, when I go to clinic now, that's my life. That's completely normal to me. It's not brave. It's not courageous. 

Deciding to have a transplant? It was just deciding to live my life, to do what I needed to do to extend it. I wasn't afraid of dying on the table, because I knew without the surgery, I'd die anyway. So, choosing transplant wasn't brave. It was pragmatic. 

Going to college? Getting my degree? Working? Again, no brave. Not courageous. Living my life. That's all.

When I see stories about how "Brave" people like me are, because we live with illness, I want to scream. It's not brave. It's just doing what you have to do with the hand you're dealt. What would you do? Curl up in a ball and refuse to leave your room? Refuse to do treatments? I guess. I knew CF people who did. 

Bravery and courage are not what I have. I hated selling Girl Scout cookies. I'm not brave. I won't sky dive or even do a high-ropes course. I'm NOT A SAINT. I just am. I live my life the way all the rest of you do. This morning, I took my pills with my coffee. I've been taking pills with my breakfast since I was about two years old. It's not out of the ordinary. It's not brave. I'm not brave when I "let" people stick me multiple times to get an IV in. That's not bravery. That's what I have to do. What's my other option? 

My parents are brave. They hold it together when everything is threatening to fly apart. I am not brave. I'm just doggedly stubborn. 

Brave people are the people who rushed into the World Trade Centers on 9/11 to save the people inside, knowing they would probably die.  Navy SEALs are brave people. Soldiers, firemen, nurses, first responders--they're brave. I don't put my life on the line. I don't do anything to save other people. 

So please don't call me brave. I'm not. 

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(Catholic 101 is now available! Pick up your copy here: https://gum.co/RMkqu) 

Dog Days

Well, not really--we haven't had that oppressive August heat too much this month which normally I'd be OK with, but since I'm going on vacation next week I'd like it to be a bit warmer, where we're going, so I can swim, you know? But I digress. :) 

The last two weeks have been sort of rough, health-wise, because I've got some bug that is just determined not to go away, although at the moment we're blasting it with Cipro and steroids (Cipro is the drug they give you if you have anthrax). And it seems to be helping because I'm feeling slightly more human and more "with it", which is good, because I have packing and knitting to do! 

One of the weird things about post-transplant life is that you can get bugs and no one really knows where they come from or what they are--we just blast 'em with stuff. :) Because my immune system is so out of it, I get stuff that wouldn't even be a blip to regular people. But I never know--and the doctors don't really either--when it could be something bigger. So I tend to be a bit wary now of viruses and things that sneak in and treat them a bit more carefully than I did before, just because I'm not sure where the virus could lead--if that makes any sense. And since none of us are really sure, it can mean random ER visits, like the one I had a few Fridays ago, where dad and I ended up watching pre-season football while I got pain meds and other lovely things because my lungs were being silly and hurting for no reason, but were causing enough problems to make basic moving around difficult. 

So for the past two weeks I've been sort of hanging out and not doing much, mostly because my body won't let me do much; it wants to sit and stare at Sephora reviews all day. I'm trying not to let it do that. But now I'm starting to feel more human and I can knit and prep for vacation and all that fun stuff and not worry so much about viruses. 

Summer adventures

One of the great things about summer is the desire people have to get out and do things, and my friends and I are no exception. When you live in Ohio, or really any place with four seasons, you know that Winter Is Coming, and you won't be able to do these things!

My friend Gary and his wife Adelle brought their gorgeous baby daughter to meet us two weeks ago at the Columbus Hofbrauhaus. 

Me, baby A, and Tiff

A bunch of us have been friends since high school (or more, in most cases), and we still love to get together, even though with kids and jobs and other responsibilities it's not as easy as it used to be. So it's even more fun when we get together now. And when adorable babies are involves, I'm all for it! 

Last Thursday, I went to the Columbus Zoo with one of my college friends, his wife, and their four children. They have a zoo membership and they graciously extended a free guest pass to me. I hadn't been to the zoo in years and it was great to be there with friends whom I also don't get to see that often, since they live about two hours away, and I hadn't even met the new baby yet!

Blurry, but that's what happens when you take a photo while you're holding a baby!

The oldest girl especially liked to watch me sketch the animals and was very helpful in holding my pencils, giving me color advice, and asking good questions. We had a lot of fun drawing this flamingo!

She also liked the colors on the mandrill. Drawing animals is not, currently, my forte, but this was good for practice, and fortunately the flamingo stayed still! (Unlike the mandrill, who kept moving, so his face is a bit of a composite. But the essence of it is there. I love his colors.) 

Doing things in the summer was really hard pre-transplant--the heat and humidity, plus crappy lungs, really wore me out. It's still sort of hard because I have to make sure I'm amply covered in SPF, that the UV index isn't too high, and that salty things are readily available to eat. But before transplant, going to the zoo with four kids would've been impossible. I'd have dropped from exhaustion after two exhibits! So getting to do things like this are extra special to me.  

On The Town

Tiffany and I have been best friends since we were freshmen in high school--so, holy cow, 21 years now. She and her husband, Bill, like to take me out for my transplant anniversary, so it's the one night a year we go out on the town to a fancy restaurant and eat great food and have fun together. 

This year we went to Mitchell's steak house, and then afterwards to the Book Loft in German Village, which is a bookstore in an old house. It's fantastic. If you've never been there, come the next time you're in Columbus. It's 30 some rooms of books, and fun things like Baby Lit buttons: 

It's really sweet of them to do this for me. They're good people. 

This moment of June

There really is just something to love about June. I'm not sure what it is. But it feels like the beginning of summer, of everything just stretching out and opening to vacation season, and summer reading, and just...ahhh. 

(In general, I don't post toooo much during the summer. It's that whole relaxed vibe. :) But I'll still be here at least once a week.) 

Weekend in the Burgh

It was a good weekend in the 'Burgh.

Normally, any weekend I get to spend with my extended family is a good one. But when it's a chance to celebrate my youngest cousin's first communion (he's the little guy in the above photo), and the Penguins win their fifth Stanley Cup? It's a great weekend. 

I've been a hockey fan since I was about seven years old, and saw my first Penguins game at the old Civic Arena against a team that doesn't even exist anymore--the Hartford Whalers. So I've been alive for every Penguins Cup victory, which is special in and of itself, but watching them win is just tremendous. I was so happy, especially since the game was so crappy for the most part (Nashville, learn to make better ice! Come on!). 

And seeing my grandma is always great. I love her house and getting to spend time with her, probably because I'm aware that she's 87 and not going to be around forever, and partially because I just adore her house. She's my only grandparent left, so that makes every visit with her even more important/special. 

Justin is my youngest cousin and he is hysterical. He's eight, he wants to be a librarian when he grows up, he keeps itemized shopping lists (labeled "Toys R Us", "Dick's", and "Amazon) and is a YouTube video master. He also has some sweet dance moves. It's always fun to spend time with him and his older siblings. (Sorry, Paige, for having a party at your house that went until almost 1 AM the night before your finals week started.......) 

We usually get up to Pittsburgh to visit once or twice each summer. I hope we go back again, because I have to go to Kennywood, as is tradition. 

Memorial Day Weekend

Memorial day weekend means a few things. Usually. 

1) Swimming--except this year, because stitches in my head. Yes. Still there. Will be there for at least another two weeks. Sigh. So anyway, no swimming, but I am greatly looking forward to the moment I can do that!

(I'm not really missing anything--the complex pool isn't open yet. Whew.) 

2) The Great Jane Re-Read Commences. Every summer, I re-read all of Jane between Memorial Day and Labor Day. This year I did it backwards, so I started with Persuasion. 

I knocked it out on Saturday afternoon and enjoyed every minute I spent with Anne Elliot. As I always do, because Anne Elliot is the bomb. 

Next: Emma. 

(Can I be honest? Emma drives me nuts. I really only like her starting about halfway through the book, when Mrs. Elton shows up. But I do want to go to Box Hill and have a picnic.) 

3) Time with friends and family.  

This was most of the weekend. :) 

On Friday, Mary and I went to Chuy's, because that is what we do, all the time. (Well, most of the time. But we love Chuy's. Some creamy jalapeño and some dulce de leches cake makes everything in life come into focus.) 

There's so much I love about Mary....

Chuy's art

We also went to Elm and Iron, which I adore, to check out some home-y type things.

The purple rimmed candles are called "Wildflower", and totally smell like some!

I managed to replay my Sperrys, which died last summer (after I wore them for about six years) when the upper became separated from the sole. I don't replace shoes until they DIE, people. I'm not a big shoe person. 

I am, however, a big rose person. I love these.  

Love these roses outside Macy's! They're so blowsy pretty. 

I have big plans for my place this summer. Obviously funds do not allow me to do it all at once. :) But browsing is always fun and that's how I get my ideas and figure out what I'm looking for. I did manage to hit a TREMENDOUS sale at Macy's where I got half off the pillows, and then 25% off that. They basically gave the pillows away, guys! (Well, OK, not really. But seriously, 75% OFF? What crazy world is this?!)  So my bed is a nest now. And I'm so excited to just love on it.  

Caroline The Rabbit is the second oldest denzien of the Bedroom. Coach the Bear is the oldest, but he didn't want to pose. 

My bedroom doesn't get as much love as it probably should these days, since I spend most of my time on the first floor of my place. But now I've got the Great Chair in the office, so I spend more time in there, and now my bedroom is really starting to come together. 

Sunday started with some watercolor work. It's true--sometimes I love what I draw and sometimes I hate it and want to rip the page from my sketchbook. But I don't, because that would mess up the book. Sigh. Roses are hard to paint, y'all.  (And yes, I'm a midwesterner, and I say "y'all." Because why not. I also say "slippy", which is what people in the 'Burgh say for "Slippery." I think "slippy" is a much better word.) 

Sunday morning coffee in my Eat 'n Park mug, because my hockey team is in the Stanley Cup Finals! Which means my Nashville mug is verboten--because the Pens are playing the Predators (Nashville's team). I cannot drink out of the (temporary) Enemy's Mug. 

The parents and I got lunch at Marcella's, a cute Italian place, where menus speak the truth: 

And then we did some shopping. 

Then I came home and had tea, brewed with my new tea ball. 

Chocolate tea, people!

Monday I played a lot of skee ball and arcade games with my parents at the bowling alley arcade, and there were hot dogs for dinner. I won a stuffed monkey! 

And hockey. Hopefully my hockey team wins. :) 

(edited. They did. In the strangest game EVER--a disallowed goal, a catfish on the ice, and no shots on goal for over half the game. But they won anyway.) 

My nest

I love those cloudy, rainy days when I can just curl up in this spot on my couch with tea, books, maybe knitting, and just be. It's one of my favorite spots in the house. 
And on my other side.....

Because I always need good pens, notebooks, a book or two, and a phone charger by me at all times. Who doesn't?

And blankets. Oh my gosh, blankets. I loveeeee  having lots of blankets around. They are vital for building the proper nest. There are actually three blankets on my couch, but you can't see the bottom one (it's this one, from Garnet Hill. I got it on sale yeaaaars ago--it was one of the first things I got when I had my own place). The blue one is a promotional blanket from the live action Cinderella that I got at the movie theater when the movie came out, and the top one is a gift from my brother's fiance. Disney, blankets, and Vera Bradley--three of my favorite things in one package.

I sort of miss exercise. Is that weird? It's weird to me! But I see my doctor tomorrow and then I'll officially be "cleared" to exercise. I really can't do my yoga/pilates stuff anyway, because that involves head dropping and all that--things I probably shouldn't do with a hole in my head.  (Right?) So I'm trying to just walk around the house as much as I can. And read. 

A day trip to Waynesville, Ohio

So, two weeks ago was my cousin's first communion day. My parents and I were planning on going to Pittsburgh to celebrate, like we do for every first communion, but since this was the last of the grandbabies, it was going to be sort of bittersweet. 30 some years of first communion parties, over! 

The day of the party, my mom got a call from my uncle--my aunt was sick, so the party was cancelled. :( But we were all up anyway, and dressed, and it wasn't even ten o'clock, so....we decided to take a road trip down to Waynesville, Ohio, a little village in the southwest corner of our state. 

First order of business: Food. 

The food at Cobblestone cafe was amazing, guys. You even get complimentary chai tea lattes at the end of the meal! They're tiny and adorable! The cafe is also a shop, so you get two great things in one place. Mom, Dad, and I are hard-pressed to find a place that all of us like equally when it comes to eating, and Cobblestone fit the bill with their amazing menu. And dessert. Can we talk about dessert? Holy moly, it was good.  Key lime pie! Pina Colada sundae! (Or was it a cake thing? I can't remember. It was good.) 

I will take one of each color, please.... (taken at Cheap John's.) 

I had way too much fun shopping, and so did my mom--and even my dad. (He is a licorice connoisseur and he found homemade licorice that apparently passed His Testing at Cheap John's.) 

The town is full of craft and antique shops, and I found a yarn store (of course), where the excellent proprietor gave me a free (?!) yarn book and even gave me some advice on the knitting project I was shopping for (it's this one--it won't be made for awhile yet, but I was glad to get advice and find the yarn I needed for this project!).  She had recently worked on the project with another customer, so she gave me needle and gauge advice! Win! 

Waynesville isn't far off I-71, so you're close to King's Island in Mason, and also Cincinnati proper, so, in theory, you could probably stay at a Waynesville B&B and visit these places from there--or visit Waynesville during a Cincinnati trip. It's only a little over an hour from Columbus. Perfect day trip distance.

Flowers outside the Cobblestone Cafe. 

It almost felt like a movie set, it was that cute. I think all of us want to go back soon, and since it's so close, we can definitely make that happen. Besides, Dad wants more licorice! 

The Simple Things

“It is the sweet, simple things of life which are the real ones after all.”

— Laura Ingalls Wilder

This candle always reminds me of college, specifically my freshman year. One of the girls who lived next door to me kept this candle on her desk.  

Even after just a few days of hospitals, it's so nice to get home to my nest and be surrounded by what Laura Ingalls Wilder called "the sweet, simple things".  Candles, books, journals, my favorite pens, pillows, and even pretty soap dishes--it's nice to be home. 

(sources: Live Thankfully pillow and ceramic berry basket Elm and Iron)