So I had to read at Mass on Saturday night—Pentecost Vigil. No biggie. I did my job, I pronounced “Bitumen” correctly (that word is not fun to say), and it was time to receive Communion.
As a lector, I am sitting in the front row on the right side of the church. So, I’m fairly visible.
I go up to receive communion. Now, I have done this for 32 years. That’s over 1,600 communions roughly. I have received on the tongue pretty much exclusively for the past 12 years, no problems.
So I get in line.
Then, the following:
Extraordinary Minister of Holy Communion: (ECMH) (Holding up the Host) The Body of Christ.
Me: Amen. ( I open my mouth. the EMCH extends his hand, holding the Host, toward my mouth. The DEACON appears, and STARTLES the EMCH.)
THE HOST FALLS.
ALL OUR EYES meet in total panic and confusion.
ME: Where did it go?
Deacon: It went…down your dress. (With discreet hand motion indicating it went….south.)
Me: OK. (To EMCH) Let’s try this again.
EMCH: The Body of Christ.
ME: (receiving in the hand this time) AMEN.
I head back to my seat. I look at the floor I just walked over. No host there. OK. So Jesus is….on my person.
I begin discreetly patting down my dress, wondering if the Host got caught in the folds or the lining or the flounces…
And then I see.
The Host is IN MY BRA.
That’s right. Jesus—Body, Blood, Soul, and Divinity—has taken up residence in my bra cup.
(Did I mention I’m in the front row?)
My dress neckline is a shallow v-neck. So very discreetly (I HOPE), I reach into my dress and remove Jesus from my bra. I then consume the Lord.
I don’t know if Jesus thought that I needed extra grace this week or what, but I totally want to crack up laughing and I’m wondering, OK, what do I do with my bra now? Is it a relic? Am I a relic?! WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
(What makes it even more humorous is that usually we have altar servers with patens to catch any Hosts that escape like this. We were short one altar boy, I think, on Saturday. So if the altar boy had been there, this wouldn’t have happened! But it did!)
So after Mass the other lector asks me, “What happened during Communion?” I tell him. He cracks up.
Mom asks me the same thing as we head into the parking lot. She starts cackling, and then laughing so hard she cannot breathe. And then I’m laughing.
I mean, the ways of the Lord are indeed mysterious. But I had never thought that The Lord would…decide to fly down my dress.
Whatever Lord. Whatever.
