Lenten Practices 5: Almsgiving

OK, the third pillar of Lent (the other two are prayer and fasting/abstinence): Almsgiving.

I don’t know about you, but when I hear this word I think of Robin Hood in the Disney movie, disguised as a beggar in smoked glasses and croaking, “alms for the poor!”

This is not, really, what I should be thinking. :)

Anyway: Almsgiving. Alms is defined as: charity, or something (as money or food) given freely to relieve the poor. Some churches have poor boxes in the back for this purpose (mine does). Other have special collections for the poor throughout the year.

But during Lent, we should definitely be thinking about the poor, and how to relieve their poverty. So some increase in charitable giving is to be considered. There are lots of ways to do this: donate to a food pantry, work in a soup kitchen, pick something from a charity’s gift catalog (like World vision or other such), sponsor a child who lives in a poor nation, participate in Operation Rice Bowl, or donate to your diocese’s ministries for the poor. There are so many ways you can participate in almsgiving.

To be “poor” in the United States often means things like these statistics (from 2010):

• 80 percent of poor households have air conditioning. In 1970, only 36 percent of the entire U.S. population enjoyed air conditioning.
• 92 percent of poor households have a microwave.
• Nearly three-fourths have a car or truck, and 31 percent have two or more cars or trucks.
• Nearly two-thirds have cable or satellite TV.
• Two-thirds have at least one DVD player, and 70 percent have a VCR.
• Half have a personal computer, and one in seven have two or more computers.
• More than half of poor families with children have a video game system, such as an Xbox or PlayStation.
• 43 percent have Internet access.
• One-third have a wide-screen plasma or LCD TV.
• One-fourth have a digital video recorder system, such as a TiVo.

But to be poor in other countries means destitute–you’re living in hovels. You have no food or clean water. Your children are dying from malnourishment, or malaria, because of a lack of basic necessities. When we say dire poverty, this is what we mean. And yes, you can find this in pockets of America, as well. But I think during Lent it’s important to consider those who live in countries where the government cannot help them–there is no safety net. 

At the beginning of this series, I posted a list of 10 countries with the highest population of hungry people. It’s shocking to think that in Burundi, almost sixty-eight percent of the population is hungry. Think about that for a minute. Where I am right now, I am less than 50 feet away from a cafeteria that serves salads, sandwiches, burgers, coffee, cookies, artisan ice cream, and a variety of beverages. There are three vending machines down the hall. There are at least 10 places to eat within walking distance. My office has a water cooler of fresh, clean water for anyone who wants it. According to World Vision, “more than 1,600 children under age 5 die every day from diarrhea caused by unsafe water — that’s more than AIDS and malaria combined. Clean water, basic sanitation, and hygiene education are some of the most effective ways to prevent child disease and death.” 

We might not think we can make a difference with our few dollars that we can donate. But we can. A $20 (that’s a ticket to the movies and snacks, or a dinner out, or–for me–a hardback book, or a DVD/Blu-ray) donation to a clean water fund can save lives.

Like I said above, there are so many worthy places out there to give your money–this Lent, think about it. Think about the incredibly poverty that exists in our world, and do what we can to help alleviate it.

We can’t do everything, but as Mother Teresa said: “if you do something, and I do something, then together, we will do something beautiful for God.”

Lenten Practices 4: Stations of the Cross

Anyone who’s been in any Catholic church notices them–the Stations of the Cross. Sometimes done in plaster molding, sometimes in steel and wood, sometimes on plaques, sometimes in bas-relief–they are always there, in every church, a gift of St. Francis to the Church.

The Stations of the Cross are always there, but seem to gain popularity during Lent, with many parishes offering communal services to pray the stations. As a child, we “did” the stations of the cross every Friday during Lent with our class at the parochial school I attended, every year.

The Stations recount Jesus’ journey to His crucifixion, from His condemnation by Pilate (the first station) to the burial in the tomb (the fourteenth, and last, station). While the number of stations varied over the years, St. Francis codified the stations, in a sense, and gave us the fourteen stations we see today.  The object of the stations is to travel, spiritually, to Jerusalem, and thus walk with Jesus on Good Friday, often with a spirit of penance and reparation for our sins.

The stations are:

1. Jesus is Condemned to Death
2. Jesus Takes Up His Cross
3. Jesus Falls the First Time
4. Jesus Meets His Mother
5. Simon of Cyrene Helps Jesus Carry His Cross
6. Veronica Wipes the Face of Jesus
7. Jesus Falls the Second Time
8. Jesus Meets the Women of Jerusalem
9. Jesus Falls the Third Time
10. Jesus Is Stripped of His Garments
11. Jesus Is Nailed to the Cross (sometimes called the Crucifixion)
12. Jesus Dies on the Cross
13. Jesus Is Taken Down from the Cross
14. Jesus Is Laid in the Tomb

Often in communal services, the hymn Stabat Mater (“At the cross her station keeping”) is sung. On Good Friday, the pope recites the Stations of the Cross at the Roman Colosseum, complete with prayers and meditations.  An excellent set for meditation are these, written by (then) Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, before Bl. John Paul II died in 2005; the pope was too ill to complete his normal Good Friday practices, so the Cardinal took his place, writing his own series of prayers and reflections.

The stations are a superb Lenten practice, since the graces we receive from doing them in a spirit of prayerful recollection and penance are so immense. It is good for us to ponder these things, to realize why Jesus died, to see the supreme mercy of God–the extreme depth of God’s love for us. We all see the signs that say John 3:16: “For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have everlasting life.” By mediating on the stations of the cross, we can truly see that love–love that was so deep it sustained Jesus through His horrible torture and death.

(As a side note: The 2004 film The Passion of the Christ shows all the stations, in some depth. For older children and adults, I often recommend watching this film, because I haven’t found a better example in media of Jesus’ passion and death, and what it truly was. It’s easy to whitewash what happened to Jesus; even the Gospels don’t give us explicit accounts, probably because their audiences knew all too well the horror of crucifixion. But we need to see it, I think, to really get it, and to see how deep and how great that love was. )

So, check and see if your church has a communal stations service on Fridays during Lent, or just go to your church sometime and walk the stations. If you can’t get to a church, you can also meditate on them at home by using a prayer book or an online guide, like the one I posted above. The important thing is that, at some point during Lent, you really focus on what the season is about, and what happened on Good Friday.)

Lenten Practices 3: Prayer

Lent is a great time to renew/revamp/reassess our prayer lives, and establish one, if you don’t already have one.

Prayer, as I explain to my first graders, is just talking to God. That’s it. It’s not some big mysterious thing that takes a lot of time. It’s just talking to someone who loves you.

I know a lot of Catholics trot out the “well I go to Mass every week.” At the Catholic Women's Conference I went to two years ago, one of the speakers (Rebecca Dussault) made a good point. She is a former Olympic cross country skier, and compared prayer to talking with her coach and training. If she only met with her coach one hour a week, she wouldn’t get to know her coach, the coach wouldn’t get to know her, and her training wouldn’t be that great. Thus, how can we possibly expect to love God with all our heart, soul, mind, and strength if we don’t talk to Him more than an hour a week?

There are so many different prayer traditions we have as Catholics; it is a rich tradition! As a Domincan, I’m partial to the rosary, of course. One set of mysteries takes me about 15 minutes to say. 15 minutes to say the Rosary is 1% of your day.  If you can’t say five decades, say one, one the way to work, or as you clean the kitchen, or take a shower. Starting slowly is better than not starting at all.

There are many good Catholic prayer books available at any Catholic bookstore or Amazon. But you can also use your own words. Tell God what you need; tell Him what you’re thankful for; tell Him about people you love. The four main types of prayer are: intercessory (praying for someone else), praise, thanksgiving, and petition (asking Him to help you). Any combination of these is great.

If you like structure in your prayer life, try saying the Litrugy of the Hours. A great site for this isdivineoffice.org, where the prayers for the different hours are listed, and all you have to do is pray them! I have the four-volume set of the office, which I prefer, but I also love this website because it’s great on days when I’ve forgotten my breviary at home. (hey, it happens) The office is the daily prayer of the church, which priests are required to say. Monks and nuns chant these prayers as well, around the clock. Sisters and lay people don’t have to say as many “offices” of the Liturgy of the Hours. Usually I try to pray lauds (Morning Prayer), the Office of Reading, Vespers (Evening Prayer) , and Compline (Night Prayer). Morning and Evening prayer are called the “hinges” of the hours, since they sanctify both ends of the day–beginning and end. (I’ll be talking more about this in a separate post, since it’s a big part of my life as a Lay Dominican.)

A great book for beginners is  Prayer Primer, by Fr. Thomas Dubay (or even not beginners–people who just want to read and learn more about prayer). This is followed by Deep Conversion/Deep Prayer. (If you want something that boosts your exiting prayer life, the latter book is a great way to start)

During Lent, you may want to pray the Seven Penitential Psalms.  These are psalms that particularly express the idea of penitence and are particularly a propos during Lent.

Prayer is our intimate time of conversation with God. Sometimes you may wish to try contemplative prayer, or a Holy Hour before the Blessed Sacrament. Sometimes I’ve kept a prayer journal where I write down specific intentions, or insights I’ve gained in prayer.

Whatever you’ve been doing, this Lent, try to add more. By giving things up, like facebook (which I’m doing), there is more time for prayer and spiritual reading. Let’s use those pockets of time to talk to God and deepen our relationship with Him.

Lenten Practice 2: Confession

Ah, confession.

I never really liked it. As a kid, it freaked me out. And as I grew up, I went maybe three times a year.

Now I try to go much more often, once a month being my goal, but it works out to about once every six weeks. Working on it peeps. :)

Anyway–we’re gonna make this really short today. Go to confession at least once before the Triduum. Do a good examination of conscience (Scott Hahn’s book Lord Have Mercy has a great one in the back). Brush up on the Act of Contrition. (My church has them in the confessional, on the wall, but some churches don’t.) If you’ve committed mortal sins, remember they need to be confessed in kind and number (as in, what you did and how many times you did it). Do your penance promptly.

Lenten Practice 1: Fasting and Abstinence

Fasting is an important Lenten practice–it’s one of the three pillars of Lent (the pillars are fasting, almsgiving, and prayer, all of which we will talk about over the coming week). But how many of us really understand it?

Let’s start at the top:

Fast (v): abstain from all or some kinds of food or drink, especially as a religious observance.

OK. So, as Catholics, we fast from food, in general, on two days: Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Here are the directives (emphasis mine):

The law of fasting requires a Catholic from the 18th Birthday [Canon 97] to the 59th Birthday [i.e. the beginning of the 60th year, a year which will be completed on the 60th birthday] to reduce the amount of food eaten from normal. The Church defines this as one meal a day, and two smaller meals which if added together would not exceed the main meal in quantity. Such fasting is obligatory on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. The fast is broken by eating between meals and by drinks which could be considered food (milk shakes, but not milk). Alcoholic beverages do not break the fast; however, they seem contrary to the spirit of doing penance.

Those who are excused from fast or abstinence Besides those outside the age limits, those of unsound mind, the sick, the frail, pregnant or nursing women according to need for meat or nourishment,  manual laborers according to need, guests at a meal who cannot excuse themselves without giving great offense or causing enmity and other situations of moral or physical impossibility to observe the penitential discipline.

So–one regular meal, two smaller meals that aren’t bigger than the main meal, on Ash Wednesday and Good Friday. Generally, the idea is that you’re not going to feel full.

The body is not all. We fast for a few reasons:

1) It’s in Scripture:

Matthew 4:1-2: Then Jesus was led by the spirit into the desert, to be tempted by the devil. And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, afterwards he was hungry.

Matthew 17:17-20: And Jesus rebuked him, and the devil went out of him, and the child was cured from that hour. Then came the disciples to Jesus secretly, and said: Why could not we cast him out? Jesus said to them: Because of your unbelief. For, amen I say to you, if you have faith as a grain of mustard seed, you shall say to this mountain: Remove from hence hither, and it shall remove: and nothing shall be impossible to you. But this kind is not cast out but by prayer and fasting.

2) It’s to train us to realize that our bodies are not all. We might want the Coke, or the hamburger, or the Twix bar, but you won’t die without it. What our body wants is not necessarily what it needs. We have to discipline our bodies.

3) It brings to mind those of us who do not have a enough to eat. The United Nations Food and Agriculture Organization estimates that nearly 870 million people–one in eight people–were suffering from chronic undernourishment in 2010-2012. Almost all the hungry people, 852 million, live in developing countries, representing 15 percent of the population of developing counties. There are 16 million people undernourished in developed countries (FAO 2012). The 10 countries with the highest proportion of hungry people are:

1. Burundi – 67.3%
2. Eritrea – 61.3%
3. Haiti – 49.8%
4. Zambia – 43.1%
5. Ethiopia – 37.1%
6. Swaziland – 35.8%
7. Democratic Republic of the Congo – 33%
8. Tanzania – 33%
9. Zimbabwe – 30.5%
10. Guatemala – 30.5%

Those are heart-rending statistics. Fasting helps us be grateful for what we have–food abundance–and can help motivate us to relieve the hunger of others (we’ll talk for about this when we talk about almsgiving)

(World Vision photograph)

4) It reminds us to fast from other things–namely, sin. Here are some great writings about this (scroll down). This is also important to remember if you can’t physically fast for a lot of reasons (for years, pre-transplant, I couldn’t fast. People would’ve had my head, I was so undernourished). You can fast from gossip, from TV, from Facebook, from getting manicures. Whatever is a treat to you. You can also do this in addition to corporal fasting.

Abstinence means no meat on Ash Wednesday, Good Friday, and all Lenten Fridays. Some dioceses have moved to reinstate abstinence from meat on all Fridays of the year. We do this as a sacrifice, although Fish Fries are awesome fun and not often a sacrifice! :) And yes, lobster is fish–but that’s sort of going against the idea of simplicity and penance.

Be sure to plan some meatless Friday ideas for yourself and your family. Do you want to attend your parish fish fry? Operation Rice Bowl has some meatless recipes, one for each Lenten Friday, as well as stories and reflections from the country where the recipe originates.

Here , though, is a SUPER IMPORTANT NOTE: Don’t forget about the Eucharistic Fast! We are not supposed to eat an hour before Mass, to prepare ourselves for Holy Communion. There’s some “fudging” on what constitutes “an hour”, but I’m gonna go with an hour before Mass starts: so if it’s noon Mass, no eating after 11 AM. Medicines are permitted, of course, and food with those meds, if it’s required. So, if you aren’t doing this, or never were taught this–now you know! Fast before Mass!

Catholic 101: Lent

Yes, it's that time again--Lent! Time to think about what to give up, what you're going to eat on Fridays, and things like that. 

I did a weeklong series on Lent a few years ago, and you can read it here. I cover fasting, prayer, alms giving, stations of the cross, and more. Think of it as a basic Lent primer in seven parts. 

Here is Pope Francis' Lenten message for 2016. Since it's the Year of Mercy, going to confession at least once before Easter should be on our list of Lenten musts.  

And of course, Restore! If you haven't registered yet, there's still time to do so. All the details are here.  

Later this week I'll have my Lenten book post up, if you're looking for reading suggestions.  

Seven Quick Takes No. 103

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I. 

It has been AN AGE since I have done one of these! So let's start with Jane--Yesterday was the 203rd anniversary of Pride and Prejudice's publication. Huzzah!

II. 

Here in central Ohio, we got no snow from last weekend's huge storm. I'm not totally opposed to that, since me and snow aren't really friends. I don't mind the dusting that's outside right now, but feet upon feet of snow? NO. 

III. 

My follow-up appointment post-hospital was on Monday and things were joyous. My PFTs are back to baseline, the X-ray is cleared up, and I even lost weight! (Although I'm pretty sure that's a med side effect, but we'll see.) Everyone was quite pleased. 

IV. 

That being said, I'm sloooowly getting back to my own personal baseline. I think I'll be there by next week, which is good, because the last three weeks have not been the way I'd like them to be. I'm OK with slow recoveries but it is nice to be able to get dressed, run errands, and make dinner all in one day without feeling like that's the equivalent of Everest climbing.  

V. 

Guys, Lent is upon us. Do you have a plan? I'll be running my Lent series again next week, but perhaps you should consider Restore? It's a truly excellent Lenten workshop that starts on Ash Wednesday and runs through Easter.  Read more about it here, or click the button on the sidebar .

VI. 

A good quote from St. Thomas Aquinas, whose feast day was yesterday: 
"Beware the person of one book."

Good advice, Sir! :) 

VII. 

And lastly, because it's Friday: 

Happy Feast Day, St. Thomas Aquinas!

Dominican Feast Day=party, in my world. 

To learn more about St. Thomas, the Angelic Doctor, you can read a post I wrote about him here. 

Lent 2016: Restore

Lent is crazy early this year, I know. Doesn't it feel like it was just Christmas? (Well, it was, in its defense...it is the 25th!) 

Ash Wednesday is February 10th this year, which makes Easter March 27, which is almost the earliest it can fall. So I can understand if the idea of preparing Lenten ideas, or pondering a Lenten program, can seem overwhelming right now. For the past few years, it's seemed that way to me. 

Can I suggest something? 

For the past two years I've done Restore, Elizabeth Foss's beautiful Lenten workshop. If you're feeling tired, burnt-out, at the end of your rope, and really in need of self-care and restoration, this is the place to come. The workshop runs from Ash Wednesday to Saturday, April 2--the week after Easter. Bonus! And all of the wonderful content is yours to keep!

There are two options: 

This is the full option, which is $49--$16 less than last year!--and you get all of these things to keep--even the podcasts. How's that for goodness?  Everything works through the Gumroad app. You can even print these things off, if you're like me and like paper copies of things to hold on to and mark up. 

$49 a bit steep for you? Here's another option: 

This one is $15. Again--you get to keep all these things. No worries about it disappearing into the Cloud somewhere. 

No, you don't have to be Catholic! Elizabeth is, and I am (of course), but there's no Special Secret Catholic handshake to get it. All women are welcome. There is, of course, the strong faith element. For more FAQs, here's Elizabeth's page on the workshop. 

I love Elizabeth's work, wholeheartedly. If you're a mom, I think this will particularly resonate with you. She's a mom of nine kids! But again, you don't have to be a mom--you don't even have to be married!--to glean goodness from this program. 

So if you're looking for a great Lenten program, I highly recommend this one. I recommend it so much that I'm here, tell you all about it. :) 

Want to purchase? Go here, and select which option you'd like! 

I look forward to restoring with you!

(Note: If you purchase from the link above, or on the sidebar, I get a small percentage of the price back since I'm a Gumroad affiliate. So you'll be helping me, too! But I definitely, DEFINITELY love this workshop and wouldn't recommend it to you guys if I didn't. It's been so helpful to me the past two Lents!)

Hitting Rewind

So, 2016 started out with me being sick, but I could still make progress on my goals. 

Then we got a week in to 2016, and that all went out the window. 

I'd forgotten how much pneumonia takes out of you--the whole if I try to get dressed/put on make up/make a meal, I spend the next day wiped out and paying for it. I am feeling better, in that there's much less pain, I can breathe regularly, my heart rate is better, and I can take deep breaths! I'm sure my PFTs will be better on Monday. But as far as "normal activities", not a lot is happening yet, beyond the basic basics. 

That's OK--it just makes my goal tending Powersheets page look a little forlorn, these days. :) 

I go back to clinic on Monday for a follow-up, and assuming we don't see anything terrible, I will slowly start increasing things. But that, I don't just mean activity, I mean daily things, like writing/editing/reading--things that don't sound terribly strenuous, but can be when you're dealing with a limited supply of energy. 

One thing that has progressed, so far, is my art--I'm really glad to have decent brushes now, and to be playing with color and form. I will finish my Sketchbook Skool class by the end of the month, and that was one of my goals for this month, along with editing Tempest (and I did that, too--at least a first pass edit.) So this month wasn't a complete waste, goal-wise. 

And this might sound odd, but--the nurses I had in the hospital were pretty great. I don't mind spending time with good nurses. :) 

So I'm going to ease back into goals next week, and start February with renewed vigor--and hopefully a rescheduled California trip! 

Pretty Little Heads: Women, Health Care, and Anxiety

Why is there so much....anxiety?

--Former Clinton Cabinet Member Robert Reich

One of the things that always gets my goat in the health care setting is when doctors--usually male--ask this patient (a female) lots of questions about anxiety. 

Now, this is a legit question. I've been on anti-anxiety medication since I was about sixteen years old and I was diagnosed with a type of tuberculosis (TB). I would think that most 16 year olds, after having a near-death experience (and that's not an exaggeration--if we hadn't caught it when we did, I probably wouldn't have seen Christmas that year), would be a bit anxious. My doctor, who is Godlike in All Things, tactfully and gently suggested that perhaps I would feel better with some medication, and also a therapist. 

She was right on both counts. I love my therapist, and I've seen her since I was 16.Other than family and a few friends, that's the longest continuous relationship in my life. Not only is she extremely good at her job, but she's also a very nice person, and I have found her invaluable. 

So, it does make sense, when doing a differential diagnosis on me, to ask about anxiety. There's a history, there. I may be on a low dose of an anti-anxiety med, but I  am on one. I've tried to go off it a few times, but thus far it just hasn't worked. So I keep it, and life is better. 

But. 

(You knew that was coming, right?)

Sometimes, this note in my chart becomes something that doctors use as a crutch to dismiss my concerns. This isn't relegated to just doctors, and it isn't relegated to just men. A memorable incident was back in 2011, when I was on beta blockers in an attempt to stop my atrial flutter. It wasn't working, and my HR was doing its merry near 200 BPM dance. In the ER triage area, the nurse taking my vitals asked me if I was "nervous about anything." She asked the question like I was a very small, very silly girl-child that needed to be soothed and pacified. 

Trying very valiantly not to roll my eyes, I said, "I'm on beta-blockers. I physically cannot get nervous."

"Oh. OK!" 

 I have been asked this questions, repeatedly, many times over the years, in a tone of voice that suggests I am either: 1) not-too-bright, 2) five years old, or 3) both. This is insupportable. Yes, ask me if there's any stress triggers or anxiety-inducing events coming up. That's fine. But don't make it sound like you think it's the reason I'm here, and not because of any physical issues that might require your attention. 

Like I said, it's men who primarily do this, and I wonder--do they do this to other men? I can't imagine the condescending mask covering their faces, the simpering smiles, if they were talking to a 33 year old man. But they see me, and they see anxiety, and they go, oh, she's a little touched. 

This is especially true when it comes to pain. Guys. I know pain. I've had pancreatitis eight times. That's generally considered to be really painful. I've had collapsed lungs (although the Queen of Collapsed Lung heroism is my friend Sage, who has had chest tubes put in without sedation--a feat I cannot even imagine. She is the Toughest Person I Know, Bar None.) I have basically been cut in half and put back together! 

I don't write this to be all I AM AWESOME, but to show you that I know what pain is. When I say my pain is a seven or higher, it's legit. It's not Tylenol pain. IT IS PAIN. I'm not making it up. It's not in my head. My pain is real, and it deserves to be treated as such. 

This last time, this was a consideration. Pain halts healing. After transplant, a certain amount of pain is expected, but if it's too much, you can't get better. That's not good. It has to be managed appropriately. There's a reason there's a whole branch of medicine devoted to pain care! I had a doctor tell me that pain isn't something that happens with pneumonia. (Read: It's in my head!)

It's not? Actually, it is. Google it, people. 

Just because I am a girl, and I am on anti-anxiety meds, does not mean I am "drug seeking." It doesn't mean that it's in my head. I have a very good imagination, but come on. Pain is real. Pain is a symptom of a problem. It deserves to be treated, not just brushed off. There are many ways to treat pain, but the point is to treat it. 

This is where my psychologist rises above the rest. Not only does she treat CF and post-transplant folk, but she also does a lot of work with people with sickle cell trait, which is exceedingly painful (so I'm told. I don't know, although I do have thalessimia, which is sort of related to sickle cell disease as a genetic level). She--and her other patients--deal with this all the time. Over the years we've done lots of non-med relaxation techniques--tapes, visualization, even hypnosis once (that didn't work. I threw up all over myself.) We've tried bio-feedback, yoga (which does work, for some things), and other methods. It's very all -inclusive. But sometimes--we need the medication. 

What I do not need to be told is that it's in my head. 

"Well, I'm Back"

the pertinent question then being from where, right? 

That breakfast tray should clue you in. :) 

For the first time in many moons, I spent a week at the resort, having things seen to. It's been since 2008, I think, that I've been in wth lung issues, and so I was totally over due, but it was a totally unexpected happening, as most things with me are. (Do I ever really expect anything when it comes to what my body does, anymore? Well, No. But.) 

Last week I had a col, which I really don't deign to write about, because everyone gets them, and even mine aren't all that interesting. I "finished" with the cold, meaning I was past needing cold meds, on Thursday, but I was steel feeling under the weather and was wondering if it was just really mean cold an I needed some more time to get things together, or if it was  a sort of virus that I really couldn't do anything about, other than ride it out. 

I had chosen the later and was re-watching Season Five of Downton at my place, thinking that I was definitely not going to be up for CCD the next morning. 

And somewhere around episode six, I noticed severe, brand-new chest pain--the sort that makes you think paying attention is a good idea. I sort of pondered for the next hour as the pain got worse, and then finally decided that the choices were calling my parents, or calling a squad, since I didn't think I was capable of driving myself anyway. Lady Edith and Marigold were just going to have to hang out in London for a bit. 

Describing pain is a difficult thing, but I refer you to this Magnificient Chart:. I have had pancreatitis eight times. That's a lot. It's very painful, sort of like knife-toothed gremlins eating away your abdominal muscles and drawing you tightly into a small ball of Awfulness.

This was worse than that. 

So that meant that we were going to have pain meds and, oh, Emily's heart rate was also around 135, when it should be about 90, since all I was doing was siting on a gurney while the end of Armageddon played out on TNT at the new Urgent Care Place (which was legitimately urgent. They had the goods, here.) 

The reason we went to New Urgent Care Place and Not The Resort (hereafter TR) is because I wasn't precisely sure what was happening and ought I'd should be somewhere, you know, close and emergency qualified, as opposed t0 12 miles down the road where the "emergency care" on Saturday night can be sort of scary. (TR does a good job. Won't say they don't. But sometimes you have to wait and when you feel like Death is at the Door, you are not feeling waiting, people.) 

So here we were, at NUCP, and they accessed my port (MIRACLE OF MIRACLES), and we did tests. We did a chest x-ray. We did a CT scan with contrast. We did lots of pain meds and I think we tried EKGs and stuff. My oxygen stauration, which should be somewhere between 95-100, was between 80-100, and supplemental oxygen was being called into use. So, yeah, stuff was Going Down that Wasn't What I Had Planned for My Weekend. 

(Some of the supplemental O2 stuff is from IV pain meds--it depresses respiration. It's a nasty cycle, it is.) 

So at some point it was decided that we'd transfer me to TR, which has all the lovely things I need, and I ended up there Sunday morning. My doctor popped in, and popped out, and other people popped in, and out, and we were sort of not getting the pain under control, which was making me unhappy, and was making my body unhappy, because it cannot stop freaking out if it is still in pain. 

I ended up on the transplant floor Sunday night. We played around with meds, but over all it was sort of a rough night, made rougher by a rough Monday morning, and by the time that by now, my heart rate and breathing had been labored and fast and not pleasant for 36 + hours. 

On top of all this, we were seeing things that looked like pneumonia on my chest x-rays, and I still couldn't take in a deep breath, which means I couldn't really do PFTs, which determine how well my lungs are functioning. However, I was made to do a crappy set, which basically indicated I was alive, but not much else. I was very lucky that I got to speak to the excellent resident, who decided we are going to get Pain Under Control (which we did, magically, without IV drugs yay!), and that there was a a lot of fluid sitting in my chest on the left side. We're going to get rid of that. 

Getting rid of that meant going down to see my Old Friends in Interventional Radiology (I do love them. When I say 'old friends', I mean it. They do good work.) A local anesthetic numbs the area an then a lot of gross, bright yellow fluid comes out. When I say a lot, we're talking liters. We're talking pounds, we're talking big amounts of fluid that should never been in your body, but yet is, and now is magically gone! A lot of it was whisked off for testing, to see what could be dwelling inside, but I was definitely a lot lighter. 

I had a lot of the textbook symptoms of pneumonia, including things I didn't think were textbook symptoms: dehydration, swollen throat, elevated heart rate, on top of things like chest pain, cough, and wheezing. 

I'd been doing IV antibiotics and steroids in case the problem turned out to be rejection (which it's not), and by the end of the week we'd gotten the pain under control, my HR was much more normal, I didn't need supplemental oxygen, and by Thursday my test results were already looking better, so that was a relief. Chest x-rays often take the longest to change, even after you feel better, so to already see changes was a big, positive sign, and my PFTs were rebounding (although that didn't really tell us much, in the long run, since the first set I'd done in house was so awful.) 

Yesterday I was thrown out--yay!--but I'll be back next Monday (not this coming on, the one after) for follow-up and not just from the hospitalization, but also to see how things are doing with the "generic" med I've just started. 

So I won't have much of an "update", I hope, until I'm back at much closer to baseline. Essentially, I've been reading, lusting after Emma Bridgewater's New Spring line, ,and I'm going to be playing with my watercolors and my Rosemary and Co. brushes (the brushes have arrived, and I almost have my palette filled!). 

New Rosemary and Co. brushes--a 2 and an 8. 

Happy New Year! Love, The Insurance Company

I generally like the new year. What I don't like is when it's an occasion for my insurance companies to hose me. 

Before you think this is a "I hate insurance companies, I want socialized medicine!" rant, it's not. I'm a conservative, generally. I do think that health care needed reformed, because I think it's silly that people like me could only get insurance if we were working. That's really silly, guys, because sometimes we can't work and we need insurance. 

Anyway. 

This year, my insurance company has decided that they aren't going to cover one of my immunosuppression drugs anymore. Yeah. You read that correctly. One of the two main drugs that keeps me alive on a general basis--we're not going to pay for that anymore. A nice, bright red "we're sorry" is all I see on the insurance company page when I go to check on this. They don't tell me this is going to be a problem ahead of time--not until I try to get a new prescription. 

"yeah, they don't cover that anymore, so $1,000, please. Per month." 

Each pill is basically $33. $1,000 a month is more than I make all month. 

I'm not complaining about the cost, so much. I know why these drugs are so expensive. A small percentage of the population uses them, and these drugs are hard to produce. I am grateful they exist. But that's something the company should have maybe warned me about well ahead of time, so I would've have time to talk to my doctors, try another med, and then do what I needed to do to keep my immunosuppression regimen at optimal levels. 

So now, I'm going to switch to a generic brand, that may or may not work. The generic version of Prograf (the other immunosuppression med I take) doesn't work for me. How do we find out if these drugs are at a therapeutic level? Blood tests. 

So, I'm going to be getting more blood tests--oh joy, oh rapture, me of the crappy veins--and I'm also going to be at the hospital more often to get this done. All of which the insurance company will be billed for. 

If it works, great--we pay $100 a month, instead of $1000. If it doesn't, then I have to switch back to the "real" med, and apply for financial aid from the drug company, which I'll get, because my paycheck is "a disgrace to paychecks", to quote from The Family Man.

Thanks, dear insurance company, for giving me so much advance notice that one of the drugs I take to stay alive isn't covered anymore. I'm so glad that you care about your subscribers and their health. 

(Not.) 

Yarn Along No. 41

First yarn along of 2016! For those of you who knit/sew/do crafty things, did you start any projects over the holidays? More likely you finished them. But I made some good progress on my scarf! 

I'm really, really liking working this. This pattern is my own design, although I hesitate to really call it a "pattern" because, it's not. It's just stockinette stitch with a knit border. But I have the notes up on Ravelry, if you want to join me in doing it. I think it's a perfect bridge from the washcloths (Lord save us from any more of those for awhile!) and the basketweave project that is still mocking me in my knitting book. 

As for what I'm reading: The Bethrothed is for Facebook book club, and Lords of Discipline is one of my Christmas books. I love me some Pat Conroy. I read The Great Santini when I was in Charleston, then South of Broad, and I got The Prince of Tides for Christmas, and just finished that. I'm saving Beach Music for the plane ride to LA< because it's big and fat. Perfect for a long plane ride!

Updates from the writing desk

(No, I'm not going to ask you why a raven is like a writing desk.)

I have begun editing  Tempest, my NaNoWriMo 2015 winner. My editing process works in layersThe first is--I don't start editing right away. In this case, I gave myself more than a month to let the novel "sit" and give me a break from it. I want to approach it with fresh eyes when I begin to edit. 

Second--I don't read it all in one gulp. I've set about 45 minutes aside each day for editing. Yesterday, that turned out to be basic copyediting, for the most part, because I was really pleased with what I'd written. I think I captured Julie's voice really well in the first section, and that makes me happy. (Julie is my protagonist, for those of you just joining me.) The novel is divided into several parts, and yesterday I got through the first part and a few chapters of the second. 

Third--after I do my first edit, I go back to the beginning, and read it all again. Is everything still working? Do I like where the novel goes? Does the plot work? Do I need more detail anywhere? Do I need less detail? 

So far, that's how my process works. After these steps, I'll leave it alone for another few months, to, again, give myself distance from it. I repeat the process until I'm satisfied with what I have. 

Since Tempest is the first part of a planned trilogy, I need to make sure that what happens here is really clear in my mind (and in my notes!), so that when I go to write books two and three, they are built on the solid foundation of the first book. I've begun writing book two, but I've held off really getting into it until I've done at least one editing pass on Tempest. 

Word for 2016

I've done this for a few years now...picked a word that would encompass something I wanted to work on, lean on, learn in the coming year. 

Last year, it was Trust. The year before that, Jesus. 

This year? 

This year, I'm choosing Joy. 

Because no matter what--joy is possible. Joy can be found everywhere. 

I want 2016 to be a year of unbridled joy. 

This isn't because I'm an unjoyful person. I generally try to keep pretty cheerful and find happiness in basic things. If it's a day where everyone's out of the hospital at the end of it, then it's by default a good day. 

In Ann Voskamp's 1000 Gifts, she talks about the roots of the word eucharisteo: thanksgiving. The word charis, grace, is there, but also the derivative of charis--chara. Joy. 

Grace, thanksgiving, joy--all in one word. 

And of course, Eucharist--eucharisteo. Jesus gave thanks at the Last Supper. The Eucharist, the Precious Body and Blood of Christ that we Catholics can receive every single day--it's Thanksgiving. 

Do we treat it like that? 

Joy and gratitude are inexplicably bound up, even in etymology. So this year, I'm going to find that Joy--Joy overflowing and superabundant. Joy always. 

Catholic 101: Let's Talk About Prayer

What is prayer? Why should we do it? Do we need to do it? Can't God just read our minds? 

Do I really have to? 

In order: 

1. Prayer is talking to God. that's it. 
2. Because if you want to get to know anyone, you have to talk to them. How close are you going to get to God (who MADE YOU) if you never talk to Him? 
3. Yes. 
4. Well, yes. But that doesn't mean that we don't ask Him for what we want--Jesus did tell us to, after all. (Mt. 7:7)
5. YES. 

Let's look at it as a matter of justice: God created us because He loves us. We are created to know, love, and serve God in this world and be happy with him forever in the next. 

We cannot know, love, or serve God if we don't talk to Him. (Which, as we see, is what prayer is.)

There are lots of different kinds of prayer: mental, vocal, etc. You can start where you feel most comfortable. You can use the prayers of the Church (Our Father, Hail Mary, the creeds, etc.), or you can use your own words. You can pray the rosary (an excellent idea, I might add--we'll talk more about this later). 

There are four different "types" of prayer: 

1. Intercessory: where we pray for other people, asking for what they need ("Dear Lord, please keep Joe safe as he drives 3,000 miles", "Please help Ben pass his test today.") 
2. Petition: Where we pray for ourselves, asking for what we need. (Or think we need--that's why it's generally a good idea to add "if it be for my good" at the end of prayers for yourself and others, for a lot of things.)
3. Praise and adoration: Prayer that praises God
4. Thanksgiving: Prayer that thanks God for what he has given us. 

You can pray anywhere, anytime. 

Most beginners start with vocal prayer--that's the type we're most familiar with. But there's also mental prayer and prayer of contemplation. That's a bit beyond our purposes, here, though. The Mass, also, is a prayer--one big prayer!

Prayer is boring! --that's a common objection. 

Well, OK. It might be. Sure. But lots of things are boring at first. Everything is boring when you're first learning it, really. When I started to learn the clarinet, I played pages of Gs and As. That's really boring. When you start ballet class, it's with a plie, which is deceptively simple. Anything worth doing is worth spending some time being "bored", or working on the fundamentals.

It doesn't really matter how you start. Just start. One of my favorite books for this is Prayer Primer, by Fr. Thomas Dubay, S.M, and the follow up, Deep Conversion/Deep Prayer. 

Do you have a favorite type of prayer? Or do you struggle with prayer, and are looking for ways to jumpstart your prayer life? 

Welcome, 2016

Are you ready? 

I don't really like New Year's Eve, but I love New Year's Day, partially because of that shiny sense of newness. 

I have created the habit of making a new Pinterest board for each year. My 2016 one is up (here, if you want to look), and during the year I'll be posting things that I find helpful and inspirational to that board. 

But there's always a few things that are always there, and they're all Ann Voskamp posts. Here they are: 

• How to Create New Habits
• Humming Along
• My Favorite: A Grace Plan For the New Year

2015 was a good year. I'm hoping 2016 will be even better. I'll be pursuing an agent/publishing house for the memoir, and as I do that, I'll have to remember this: 

His timing is perfect. Mine? Not so much. 

Have a wonderful New Year's Day, everyone! 

Questions, I Have: Star Wars Episode VII

So, this is very SPOILER HEAVY. If you  don't want spoilers, then skip this post. Go read yesterday's! 

(you were warned)

Ok, we're going now. :) 

So I saw Episode VIII: The Force Awakens last week, and overall, I liked it. The dialogue was five million times better than in any previous installments, the effects were well done, the acting was solid, the music was great. I really liked the blend of old and new characters. 

THAT BEING SAID: I have a list of questions. In no particular order:  

1. Where the HECK did the First Order come from? The Sith is gone, presumably, at the end of ROTJ (Episode VI), because the Emperor and Darth Vader are dead, and "two there are", Yoda tells us in the prequels. And that's it. There's not like a Sith Training Academy. You have a master and an apprentice--and both are dead. So there's no Sith, and presumably no one to run the Empire, because I'm pretty sure the Rebellion/Republic went after them with all the Power of the Force and we saw all those parties at the end of the Reworked Episode VI, Indicating that we were free from evil, Ding Dong the Witch is Dead, Etc. 
   So...First Order. Where did you come from? 
2. We know, from the prequels, that the Stormtroopers are basically disposable clones. Well, obviously, Finn is not a clone of Bobba Fett's Dad. So are we doing like a Lunar Chronicles thing and stealing them from their parents when they're born and basically brainwashing them into being Stormtroopers? (I'm not saying that HUGE PLOT HOLES aren't a part of the Canonical Star Wars Universe, because they are...)
3. Also, Finn: When you were being trained as a Stormtrooper, what did you think you were going to be doing? Petting kittens? 
4. Why Do Rey and Luke want to get back to these crummy desert planets?! SERIOUSLY?!?!?! It's a DESERT! ( I know, I know: it's home. OK. Fine. STILL.) 
5. Why did Mark Hamill get top billing and the have precisely one scene, at the very end, with NO DIALOGUE? Also, why did he act like a Disney Princess and play the "this is all my fault, I'll run away now" card when Ben Solo/Kylo Ren Is turned....evil? 
6. Also, why is he living on Skellig Michael? Has he become an Ancient Irish Monk? 
7. Are Han and Leia divorced? Were they married to begin with, ever? If they were, does that make Han Galactic Royalty?  If they're divorced: did they have irreconcilable differences? Is there no fault divorce in this galaxy? 
8. Why do the bounty hunters want Han and Chewie? 
9. Why did they get rid off/sell the Falcon? 
10. If they knew where the Falcon was all the time, why didn't they go get it?
11. WHO is the crazy Supreme Leader Snoke? Is he REALLY a crazy huge thing, or is this like the Wizard? Pay no attention to the man behind the projection? Is he some sort of Sith derivative? 
12. Don't we NEED the Sith to balance the force? So are they really gone? 
13. Rey sure has a lot of power for never being trained as a Jedi. I mean, she almost took Kylo Ren down and he's supposed to be like, the MAN, here. (Random side note: He is MUCH more intimidating with the mask. Also, does he remind anyone else of Syndrome from Incredibles?) 
14. Which guy--Finn or Poe--is Rey going to fall for? 
15. I would've liked it if Han had said "If you strike me down, I will become more powerful than you can possibly imagine" before his son killed him. (Fathers and sons have SERIOUS issues in these movies.)
16. Who makes up the Rebellion? WHY is there a rebellion, when they won? (That connects to the first question)
17. Are there Ewoks in our future? I hope so. (This really isn't a serious question)
18. Why are the Empire/First Order weapons so FREAKING EASY TO DEFEAT? "Oh, yes, it's completely unbeatable, except for this glaring error that is easily spottable by our enemies! Ha ha! And it's basically the same problem we had thirty some years ago! (No, we do NOT learn from our mistakes.) "
19. Also, how does one turn a planet into a weapon? Without, you know, destroying said planet?  (Yes, I know the planet was destroyed at the end of the movie.) 
20. How long do Wookies live? 
21. WHY would you have Daniel Craig in a movie and not SHOW us Daniel Craig? I mean, come on, JJ! 
22. Why don't the stormtroopers have better armor after all this time?
23. Why does C3PO STILL think that everything is going to turn out badly? Come on, 3PO. Trust the humans and R2 and BB8 (who is AWESOME, by the way).
24. Is Rey Luke's daughter? I want some massive Rey backstory, here. What is going on with parents leaving her, etc. Why do parents leave their kids so much in these stories? And if Rey is Luke's daughter, then who is Rey's mom? Who was taking care of her? Because I doubt she was scavenging parts and brining them to trade as a four year old. Is she some sort of crazy collection of Midichlorians that make her magical, or something? 
25. I still don't really know what a Midichlorian is. 

How I Kondoed My Books

This is one of the most common questions I get when I tell people I've "kondoed" my house--that is, used the principles in The Life Changing Magic of Tidying Up. "What did you do with your books?!" DID YOU GET RID OF BOOKS, EMILY?!?!?!?!

Yes, I did. 

(Deep breath, guys)

It took me awhile to get up the nerve to do that. If you're not a book lover, you don't understand that statement. I had no problem doing my closet--I went through it like a tornado. It was easy. Books, not so much. 

The first time I read Marie Kondo's book, I thought getting rid of books was crazy. What if I NEEDED IT LATER? So I ignored that advice. 

Then I read the book a few more times, and it became clear that books were really something I needed to pare down. If I wanted to move again, I didn't want to move a bunch of books I didn't want. I really didn't need all the books I had. (Although "need" isn't a word I use when talking about books.) Some of them I never opened again after the initial read. I kept them because they "looked good" on my shelves, or I thought I'd need the entire works of Dickens at some point. (I don't really like Dickens.) 

I was too involved with being "the girl with the big library." It was time to pare down. 

To put this in perspective--I've taken almost 15 bags (tote bag sizes) of books, board games, DVDs, and CDs to Half Price Books since my Kondo project began. I've gotten about $120 (if not more) from selling these items. My house is much cleaner. I have books I really want on my shelves. It's true--I love really every book I own. And that makes me really happy. 

In Kondo's methodology, books are second, after clothes, in the Purgeathon. So this is how I did it. 

First: I did it very slowly

I knew this was going to take time. So I started methodically. I have my books arranged very stringently. I went through each shelf, looking, first, for the low hanging fruit--the books I was keeping, but I didn't really like. Out went a lot of Dickens, and a lot of "classics", like Les Liaisons Dangereuse and a lot of Evelyn Waugh (I kept Brideshead, but nothing else). Out went books I thought I "needed" to have--ta ta, War and Peace! Goodbye, most of my Russians! (I did keep Brothers K, because that's really good, guys. But I read The Idiot once, and never again.)  

I went through each shelf, pulling the books I hadn't opened in years, and didn't like. This was the first wave. 

I did NOT put all the books on the floor like Marie Kondo suggests. If I did that, I'd have had no space to do anything in my house, and I doubt I'd have moved as efficiently and as drastically if I'd done what she suggested. I probably would've been much more slipshod in my decisions. By doing it slowly, shelf by shelf, I was much better able to see what I had, and deal with things in my own way. 

It's also important to look at where your books are. In my house, they're everywhere; I have them on end tables, coffee tables, my nightstand, etc. They can easily become part of the landscape. A great part of Kondo's method is that she insists you see things in categories, as opposed to tidying by room (a la the Fly Lady Method--start with your kitchen, etc). Be sure to really look and notice where your books are. 

Second: I let my decision "sit" for a few days

In my living room is a constant "give away" pile. I let it grow until it's four or five bags worth of items, and then I sell them. (Or give them away, as the case may be.) This allowed me to make sure I didn't change my mind about any of them, or discard anything that I was going to want later. The books sat, sometimes for weeks, in the pile, and I saw them every day. If I felt an urge to read Jude the Obscure, I could do it. (I didn't, by the way) This kept me from selling any books I really wanted to keep. 

The other important thing to remember is that most books can be bought again, if you change your mind. (Obviously, this doesn't apply to rare books! So if you have heirloom books that you don't want, really think about those because you probably can't replace them!) 

Third: I did a second pass

And a third. And a forth. As I write this, the "fourth pass" is a big pile of books and a few DVDs in the "giveaway corner".  Kondo suggests doing this all at one time, and I did--initially. But I have so many books that it really did take time for me to see and process what I really had. (I probably had, at the beginning of this, 2,000 books. That's a conservative estimate.) This played out by removing books that really didn't sing to me; things like some of Jodi Picoult's books, YA series I'd liked but hadn't touched in years, theology books that I'd "outgrown" or didn't need anymore. A lot of my art books went (books from art museums detailing their catalogues)--pretty, but they took up a lot of space, and I never really opened them. 

I also let go of any "guilt" surrounding books. I get a lot of books as gifts. Sometimes people give me books I just don't like. I do read everything I get, however. But I had limited space, and someone else might like the book better. So off it went. Or, if it was a book I "wanted" to read, like War and Peace, but I knew I was never going to read, it went. (I've tried W&P three times. I even broke down and bought SparkNotes. No go. Out it went.) 

When Kondo talks about an object "sparking joy", that's important with books. If it didn't Spark Joy, or "sing" to me, as I term it,  it was out. 

Fourth: I rearranged my shelves

Into the void created by the Great Purging, I moved books. Books that had been on the floor now had a place on a window ledge or shelf. So while my book numbers were reduced, it looks like I had the same amount, because there weren't gaping spaces on my shelves. And this also gave me room for new books. Because, really, there is always an influx of new books coming in. I got three new books for Christmas, and I'm sure I'll buy more with my Christmas money. So I need that extra shelf space. 

Fifth: I sold the books!

Books that I had bought at Half Price I didn't sell back to them--those I donated to various places. But books that weren't from there, along with DVDs, CDs, and Board games, went to Half Price Books. For awhile, I was going twice a month, and getting quite a bit of money along the way. There is a way to sell there that allows you to get decent money--I didn't sell things that were in bad shape; I didn't sell kids' books (You get very little money for those, unless they're really nice hardback editions), and I usually sold books and DVDs together, to get more per transaction. 

A few notes/caveats: 

Now, I'm a single woman. All my books are mine, obviously. I don't share my library with anyone else. If you have a a spouse (and kids on top of that), you obviously cannot just go through and sell all their books. Focus on your own, first. 

I also didn't hold off on the rest of "Kondoing" while I did my books. I moved through the other categories while I made third and fourth passes, and now I'm at the point where I can move on to part II of the book  (for the rest of my Tidying Up posts, search "Tidying Up" in the search bar at the top right of this page--the posts will pop up). 

For a true book lover, the very IDEA of getting rid of books is appalling. Remember--you have to be ready to do it. I decided that it was worth it to me to have fewer books in my house, but to have more order, and feel better about the ones I did have.  I can safely say that I haven't regretted any of the books I've gotten rid of, and I'm much happier to have the extra space. 

That doesn't mean that I'll never have to purge again. Hopefully it won't take as long as this has! But I'm sure that eventually I'll be removing a few more books that I just don't love anymore. But the biggest and hardest part is done. 

I hope this helps you in your own Tidying Up Process! If you have any questions, leave them in the combox. :)